Broadcastin’ live from Gilead, darlings, where the press briefing room smells like boot polish, flattery, and MyPillow foam —
Come in, babies. Sit down. Auntie has news.
Last Friday, United States District Judge Paul Friedman — a senior federal judge who, unlike some people we could name, has actually read the Constitution — ruled that Pete Hegseth’s Pentagon press policy is unconstitutional. Violates the First Amendment. Violates the Fifth Amendment. Is, in the judge’s own documented words, “viewpoint discrimination” designed to “weed out disfavored journalists” and replace them with outlets willing to publish only stories that are favorable to or spoon-fed by department leadership.
The judge said that out loud. In a federal ruling. On paper. That will exist forever.
Now, I want you to take a moment and really let yourself feel the beautiful absurdity of what Kegsbreath actually built here, because I think we owe ourselves the full picture before we get to the righteous part.
When Pete Hegseth rolled out his new press policy last October, he required every journalist covering the Pentagon to sign a document agreeing not to gather, seek, or report on information that military officials hadn’t personally authorized for release. Not just classified information. Unclassified information too. Any information. Essentially, reporters had to agree to only know things the Pentagon told them to know. This is not journalism. This is a pamphlet. This is a very expensive pamphlet written in a building full of weapons.
Of the 56 news organizations in the Pentagon Press Association, do you know how many signed it? One. One outlet, babies. The Associated Press didn’t sign. The New York Times didn’t sign. The Washington Post, NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN — out. Fox News — and I want you to savor this — Fox News did not sign either. Fox News, the network that made Pete Hegseth, packed up its things and walked out of the building because even they had standards about this particular piece of paper.
So who moved in?
Oh, I’m so glad you asked.
The empty desks were filled with pundits from Hegseth’s approved list: One America News, Gateway Pundit, and Lindell TV — which is, I am not making this up, the media project of MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell. The man who spent years claiming voting machines stole the 2020 election, who lost a defamation suit, who has been wrong about everything he has ever said loudly — that man’s television network now has a front-row seat at Pentagon war briefings.
At one of those briefings, a member of the new press corps looked Hegseth dead in the eye, gestured toward American troops in the Middle East, and asked: “What is your prayer for them?”
I’ll give you a moment.
That is a question. That was asked. In the Pentagon briefing room. During an active war. By a credentialed member of what the United States Department of Defense has now designated as its press corps.
What is your prayer for them.
Not: What is the casualty count? Not: Why did you bomb an elementary school? Not: What’s the exit strategy? Not: How many sailors are aboard the ships you’ve deployed to the Gulf? A prayer. They asked for a prayer. From the Secretary of Defense. At a podium. During a war.
Meanwhile, reporters from outlets with decades of experience covering the U.S. military were seated in the back rows and largely ignored, while Hegseth called almost exclusively on his handpicked front-row favorites. And when photographers published images of Kegsbreath that his staff decided were unflattering — not inaccurate, not classified, just unflattering — the Pentagon banned press photographers from briefings entirely.
He banned photographers because he didn’t like his pictures.
Babies. My darlings. We are at war. American service members are deployed. There are sailors on ships in the Persian Gulf and soldiers who have been told they might be going on the ground, and the man in charge of the Department of Defense was having a tantrum about his photos.
His feckin’ photos.
Judge Friedman was not impressed. He noted that Hegseth had been openly hostile to mainstream news organizations whose coverage he viewed as unfavorable, while remaining receptive to outlets that have expressed support for the Trump administration. He noted that the policy’s true purpose was not national security. It was control. It was, in the language of the law, unconstitutional viewpoint discrimination — the government telling you which views are acceptable and revoking your access when yours aren’t.
The judge wrote that those who drafted the First Amendment believed the nation’s security requires a free press and an informed public, and that such security is endangered by governmental suppression of political speech. That principle, he wrote, has preserved the nation’s security for almost 250 years. It must not be abandoned now.
Almost 250 years, Petey. The Constitution survived a lot. It survived a Civil War. It survived two World Wars. It survived Watergate, and Iran-Contra, and every other time someone in power decided the rules didn’t apply to them. And last Friday, in a courtroom in Washington, D.C., it survived Kegsbreath too.
The Pentagon asked the judge to pause his ruling for a week so they could appeal. He said no. He ordered the reinstatement of press credentials for seven New York Times journalists. He gave the Pentagon one week to file a written compliance report. He ordered this for all regulated parties, not just the Times. The ruling stands now, not later, and the administration is fuming.
Good.
Look, babies, I know it’s easy to feel like the institutions are gone, like every wall has a crack in it and every floor has a hole. Some days — most days, if I’m honest with you — it feels that way too. But a federal judge looked at what Pete Hegseth built, looked at the Pillow Guy’s television network sitting in the front row of a war briefing, looked at a question about prayers being asked in lieu of casualty counts, and he said: no. This is not what the country is. This is not what the law allows. This is not happening on my watch.
The Pentagon Press Association called it a great day for freedom of the press in the United States. They called it a learning opportunity for Pentagon leadership. Auntie appreciates the diplomacy. Auntie herself would have phrased it differently, but these are professionals, and we respect professionals around here.
The reporters who were pushed out are already talking about getting their credentials reinstated. The serious ones — the ones who know where the bodies are buried and who have spent years building the kind of sourcing relationships you cannot manufacture and cannot buy — they’re going back in. With notebooks. With cameras. With questions that are not, notably, about anybody’s prayers.
Stay mad, Kegsbreath. The Constitution’s older than you, and it hits harder.
Now, you gorgonzola-brained goblin, may your next press briefing be attended exclusively by the one outlet that signed your policy, whatever sad little creature that turns out to be, and may every question they ask be somehow, inexplicably, worse than the prayer one — and may you have to answer it live, on camera, with your face.
Tits up, elbows out, babies. The First Amendment had a good week and Auntie’s got the shillelagh polished up just in case.
**Auntie Fah is broadcastin’ live, independent, and entirely reader-supported from somewhere in Gilead with a strong cup of tea and a list. Everything she says is fact-checked, even the parts that sound like she made them up — she didn’t. If you want to keep the lights on and the kettle hot, buy us a cuppa at buymeacoffee.com/unfugginbelievable. Stay ungovernable.
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