Super Bowl Sunday: a sacred American ritual of snacks, screaming, and pretending we understand pass interference. But for Donald Trump — a man whose ego requires constant feeding like a sourdough starter made of narcissism and spray tan — it’s the worst day of the year. Millions of people watching something other than him. Unacceptable. Illegal, even. Someone should look into it.
So buckle up, because here’s the minute‑by‑minute, fully satirical, absolutely on‑brand prediction of what Trump and his tiny, frantic, attention‑starved fingers will be doing throughout the game to claw the spotlight back.
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PREGAME: THE ATTENTION WITHDRAWAL BEGINS
3:00 PM
Trump posts on Truth Social:
“Many people are saying the Super Bowl used to be about ME. SAD what they’ve done to it.”
No one was saying this. Not even the bots.
3:12 PM
He announces a “major announcement” coming at halftime. It is not major. It is not an announcement. It is a coupon code for Trump Steaks that expired in 2011.
3:27 PM
He claims the NFL begged him to perform the national anthem but he “graciously declined” because he’s “too busy saving America.”
Translation: they did not ask. They have never asked. They will never ask.
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KICKOFF: THE DESPERATION HITS A FULL SPRINT
6:30 PM
As the game begins, Trump releases a shaky iPhone video filmed from below his chin — the angle favored by men who fear their own necks.
He declares:
“This is the most rigged Super Bowl in history. Everyone knows it.”
Everyone does not know it.
6:42 PM
He posts a photo of himself holding a football incorrectly, like it’s a newborn he’s afraid will stain his cuffs. Caption:
“I would have gone pro if not for bone spurs.”
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FIRST QUARTER: THE THIRST IS PALPABLE
7:05 PM
Trump claims the players are wearing “special anti‑Trump helmets” to block his telepathic influence.
This is not how helmets work.
7:18 PM
He announces he will be “live‑fact‑checking” the game.
Fact check: he does not know the rules of football.
7:26 PM
He posts a meme of himself stiff‑arming a linebacker. The linebacker is photoshopped. Trump is photoshopped. The football is photoshopped. The grass is photoshopped. The only real thing is the insecurity.
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SECOND QUARTER: THE MELTDOWN MARINATES
7:40 PM
He claims the halftime show is “a direct attack on him personally.”
The halftime show has not happened yet.
7:52 PM
He announces he will be hosting his own halftime show on Truth Social Live.
It is him sitting in a chair, breathing loudly, reading compliments from the comments.
8:03 PM
He posts a poll:
“Who is the greatest athlete of all time?
A) Trump
B) Trump
C) Trump
D) All of the above”
The poll receives 17 votes. Twelve are from accounts named “PatriotEagleFreedomUSA1776_2.”
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HALFTIME: THE CRISIS PEAKS
8:15 PM
As the real halftime show begins, Trump releases a statement accusing the performers of “stealing his moves.”
His moves: pointing, pouting, waddling.
8:22 PM
He rage‑posts 14 times in 3 minutes.
Doctors warn this level of posting is unsafe for men his age.
8:30 PM
He unveils his “major announcement”:
A new line of Trump‑branded football gloves “designed for people with very normal, very big hands.”
The gloves are child‑sized.
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THIRD QUARTER: THE SPIRAL GOES FULL TORNADO
9:05 PM
He claims the Super Bowl commercials are “deep state propaganda.”
The commercial in question is for Doritos.
9:17 PM
He posts a photo of himself “watching the game with friends.”
The friends are cardboard cutouts from Mar‑a‑Lago’s storage closet.
9:29 PM
He announces he will be starting his own football league.
He names it the TFL: Trump Football League.
It lasts 11 minutes before he forgets he said it.
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FOURTH QUARTER: THE FULL UNHINGED EXPERIENCE
9:50 PM
He claims the game is “boring without him.”
Millions disagree.
10:02 PM
He posts a video of himself throwing a football.
It travels 4 feet.
He claims it was 78 yards.
10:11 PM
He declares victory.
In what?
Unclear.
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POSTGAME: THE GRAND FINALE OF DELUSION
10:30 PM
He announces that he should be MVP.
He did not play.
He was not invited.
He was not mentioned.
10:42 PM
He claims the Gatorade color was chosen to “send a message to him.”
The message: please stop.
10:55 PM
He posts one final statement:
“This was the most watched Super Bowl in history because of ME.”
It was not.
But in the tiny, echoing, gold‑leafed chambers of his mind, it always is.
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