Donald Trump barely had time to wipe the Supreme Court’s ruling off his face — the one that told him, in polite judicial language, that his tariffs were illegal — before he stomped back into the Oval Office and slapped a brand‑new 10% global tariff on every country that has ever sold the United States anything more complicated than a potholder. And then, after someone apparently cracked open the dusty little Trade Act of 1974 and read the fine print out loud to him like a bedtime story, he slithered back out and jacked it up to 15%. Because that’s the maximum the law allows. Because of course he went straight to the maximum. Because if there is a big red button labeled “Do Not Push,” this man will not only push it, he will climb onto a wobbly folding chair, stretch like he’s reaching for the last donut at a church potluck, and slam his whole body weight onto it just to hear the noise.
And the best part — the part that would be hilarious if it weren’t about to cost Americans real money — is that the law he’s using only lasts 150 days. One hundred and fifty. As in: the lifespan of a houseplant owned by someone who forgets they bought a houseplant. As in: the amount of time it will take for the entire global economy to look at us like, “Are you people okay over there?” This isn’t a long‑term strategy. This is a man rummaging through the junk drawer of presidential powers and grabbing the first thing sharp enough to wave around.
He announced the 15% tariff with the triumphant energy of someone who just discovered the “shuffle” button on a 2006 iPod, declaring that countries have been “ripping us off” and that he alone has the courage to fix it by… raising taxes on Americans. Because that’s what tariffs are. They’re taxes. Taxes on imports. Taxes that get passed directly to consumers. Taxes that hit people who do not give a single solitary damn about the stock market because they’re too busy trying to keep groceries under control and praying their car doesn’t need a new alternator. Economists have explained this to him repeatedly, but he treats economics the way he treats court rulings: as optional suggestions from people he assumes are less smart than he is.
And speaking of affordability — JesusfugginCHRIST — his speech in Georgia yesterday was a masterclass in sweaty, unhinged gaslighting. While he was up there glistening like a rotisserie chicken under stadium lights, he declared that he had “won affordability.” He mocked the word. Again. He called it a hoax. Again. He sneered at the concept like it personally owed him money. Again. And then he claimed victory over it, as if affordability were a competitive sport and he’d just taken home the gold medal in Making Things More Expensive. Again. The man who just imposed a 15% global tax on every imported good — the man who is about to make electronics, clothing, appliances, tools, toys, furniture, medical equipment, and car parts more expensive — stood on a stage and told Americans he “won affordability.” It’s like watching someone burn down your house and then brag about how they solved your heating bill. The contempt, the delusion, the sheer audacity of it could power a small city if we could figure out how to harness it.
So what gets more expensive now? Everything. Absolutely everything. Electronics, clothing, appliances, tools, toys, furniture, medical equipment, machinery, solar panels, batteries, phones, laptops, TVs — all of it. Even the stuff that says “Made in America” usually relies on imported components, so congratulations: that’s going up too. And businesses aren’t going to eat those costs out of patriotism; they’re going to pass them straight to the people who already feel like the economy is a haunted house where every door hides a new bill. This is a 15% tax on the entire American consumer base because the president got mad at the Supreme Court and decided to take it out on the global supply chain.
And the stock market? Oh, it noticed. Markets hate uncertainty, and nothing screams “uncertainty” like a president waking up and deciding to impose a global tax because he’s in a mood. Investors don’t like it when the world’s largest economy suddenly behaves like a guy flipping over a Monopoly board because he landed on Boardwalk with a hotel. A 15% across‑the‑board tariff is the kind of thing that makes markets wobble, makes companies freeze hiring, makes supply chains seize up, and makes every economist in the country start stress‑eating antacids. And that’s just domestically. Globally, this is the kind of move that makes other countries retaliate, which means American exporters — farmers, manufacturers, small businesses — get hit next. Because that’s how trade wars work. They escalate. They don’t end with “Sir, you won.”
Meanwhile, Americans — the real ones, not the imaginary stock‑market‑obsessed caricatures he rants about — are left staring at their receipts wondering why the price of everything just jumped again. They don’t care about his feud with the Supreme Court. They don’t care about his wounded pride. They care that their kid needs new sneakers, their fridge is making a weird noise, and their health insurance deductible is already a crime scene. And now they get to pay more for all of it because the president had a meltdown and decided to weaponize the import tax code like a man who thinks “global economy” is the name of a horse he once bet on.
And the kicker — the absolute chef’s‑kiss absurdity — is that this whole 15% global tax expires in 150 days. So the world economy gets rattled, Americans get squeezed, markets get spooked, supply chains get scrambled, and then the whole thing just… ends. Like a limited‑edition disaster. A seasonal flavor of chaos. A temporary tattoo of economic instability that still somehow manages to stain.
JesusfugginCHRIST this guy.
If he keeps this up, the only thing left that won’t be subject to a 15% tariff is the national embarrassment he keeps exporting for free.
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