Minnesota barely had time to digest this morning’s chaos before the universe said, “Oh, you thought that was the whole meal?” and dumped another steaming platter of federal incompetence, statistical fiction, and jackboot theater onto the table. The ICE raids that started the day as a constitutional dumpster fire have now escalated into a full‑blown federal fantasy novel, complete with imaginary numbers, magical thinking, and a plot twist so stupid it would get rejected from a first‑year writing workshop. DHS is still insisting they’ve arrested “over 3,000 criminal illegal aliens” in Minnesota in the last six weeks, a number they repeat with the confidence of a toddler insisting the dog ate their homework. But Minnesota’s Department of Corrections ran the actual numbers — you know, math — and found 94 undocumented individuals in state custody with ICE detainers. Ninety‑four. Not 1,360. Not 3,000. Not whatever number DHS pulls out of the cosmic grab‑bag next. Ninety‑four. DOC Commissioner Paul Schnell, who has clearly reached the “I’m too old for this shit” stage of dealing with federal agencies, said the DHS figures were “wildly inaccurate… incompetence at best, pure propaganda at worst.” And because Minnesota officials apparently decided today was the day to stop being polite and start being real, Schnell released video receipts showing inmates being transferred to ICE custody — directly contradicting DHS’s claim that Minnesota is “releasing criminals into the community.” The feds are lying, Minnesota is proving it, and DHS is doubling down like a gambler who thinks if he screams “BLACKJACK” loud enough, the cards will rearrange themselves.
Meanwhile, the raids themselves have gotten even uglier since this morning’s report. CBP agents detonated a flash‑bang grenade in a south Minneapolis alley, because nothing says “professional law enforcement” like turning a residential neighborhood into a Call of Duty map. And the wrongful arrest of 66‑year‑old U.S. citizen ChongLy Thao — dragged out of his home in boxers and a blanket — has now become the symbol of the entire operation: loud, sloppy, humiliating, and wrong. ICE released him when they realized he was, in fact, a citizen, but not before traumatizing his family and proving that “papers, please” policing always ends with innocent people being treated like criminals.
And because the federal government apparently decided to speedrun authoritarianism today, DOJ subpoenas have now landed on the desks of Gov. Tim Walz, AG Keith Ellison, and Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey. The subpoenas demand documents related to Minnesota’s response to the raids — which is rich, considering the only people lying about the raids are the ones issuing the subpoenas. Ellison clarified that the subpoena was for “records and documents, not for me personally,” which is the political equivalent of saying, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed, and also I know exactly what game you’re playing.”
The statewide walkout, which we previewed this morning, has now exploded into a full‑scale shutdown. Hundreds of businesses have closed. Students have walked out across the Twin Cities. Clergy — including more than 100 rabbis and Jewish leaders — have arrived from across the country to stand with Minnesota’s immigrant communities. And despite wind chills that could freeze a moose mid‑sentence, Minnesotans are showing up in the streets, because nothing motivates this state like injustice and weather that actively tries to kill you. One student summed up the mood perfectly: “I can’t believe we’re oppressed by a tyrannical government like this.” When teenagers start using the word “tyrannical,” you know the adults have screwed up.
The feds keep insisting this is all about “public safety,” but their own numbers betray them. Of the more than 2,000 arrests made since the surge began, only 212 people had prior convictions — about 10% of the total. The other 90%? People swept up in dragnet raids, traffic stops, workplace checks, and “you look like someone we want to question” encounters. DHS even took credit for arrests that Minnesota had already made years ago, which is like showing up at a birthday party, blowing out someone else’s candles, and declaring yourself the guest of honor.
Minnesota is not buying it. The public isn’t buying it. The data doesn’t buy it. The only people buying it are the ones selling it.
Minnesota is now the epicenter of a national showdown between truth and propaganda, law and lawlessness, community and cruelty. The federal government is throwing numbers at the wall to see what sticks. Minnesota is throwing receipts back. And the people — freezing, furious, unafraid — are shutting down the state to make sure the country pays attention.
This morning’s article warned that Minnesota was reaching a breaking point.
This afternoon’s reality shows the break has already happened.
And the people aren’t backing down.
Before we could even let anyone know this new post was live…
UNFUGGINBELIEVABLE UPDATE MINNESOTA JUST GOT EVEN MESSIER
Because of course it did.
Because Minnesota can’t have one day of federal chaos without the universe saying, “Hold my beer, I’m not done.”
Since the afternoon article dropped, the situation has somehow managed to get stupider, louder, and more insulting to the concept of arithmetic.
DHS has now begun re‑circulating the same inflated arrest numbers, except this time they’re adding phrases like “ongoing operations” and “additional apprehensions” as if sprinkling vague seasoning on a rotten steak will make it edible. They’re also claiming “new intelligence” justifies the raids — which is fascinating, because Minnesota officials still haven’t received a single updated list, a single corrected detainer count, or a single explanation for why DHS’s math looks like it was done by a raccoon with a calculator.
Meanwhile, ICE agents have reportedly been parking unmarked vehicles outside multiple Minneapolis schools, which is either intimidation, surveillance, or the world’s worst attempt at blending in. Parents are furious. School administrators are demanding answers. DHS is pretending not to hear the question.
And because the feds can’t resist doubling down on bad decisions, CBP has now issued a statement insisting the flash‑bang grenade used in south Minneapolis was “standard procedure.” Standard procedure for what — storming a meth lab in a Jason Bourne movie? Because last time anyone checked, the alley in question contained:
1. A garage
2. A recycling bin
3. A cat
4. Zero cartel compounds
But sure. “Standard procedure.”
The statewide walkout has also grown beyond what organizers expected. Businesses that originally planned to close for a few hours have now shut down for the entire day. Some are announcing they’ll remain closed tomorrow. The 2 p.m. rally swelled past capacity, with crowds spilling into surrounding streets despite temperatures that could freeze a politician’s conscience solid.
And here’s the part DHS definitely didn’t want:
Multiple Minnesota legislators have now publicly stated they’re considering introducing emergency state legislation to restrict cooperation with ICE until DHS provides verifiable data. That’s right — the federal government lied so badly that Minnesota is contemplating writing “stop lying” into law.
The feds are losing control of the narrative.
Minnesota is losing patience.
And the public is losing any remaining tolerance for federal cosplay policing.
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